THE HORSE RACES - SATURDAY 26th JUNE 2010

Glorious Weather greeted the Dick-athlete's on the day of The Dick-athlon 2010 - Event 5 - The Horse Races. Well.....except for The Peacemaker. He was greeted with a flooded kitchen in one of his houses thus causing him to miss the event.

The Dick-athlete's Dick-athlete, Chairman Choker, The Lord of The Ring and Moaning Middle Man could very nearly have missed the event due to the craziest, cannonball type route to Ellesmere Port ever attempted. This was thanks to (a) The Dick-athlete's Dick-athlete forgetting to bring directions and (b) Moaning Middle Man claiming he knew the way, but concentrating on The Racing Post rather than announcing when to take the correct turn off. These two errors resulted in the boys taking in Southport, Crosby, Bootle, Liverpool and The Mersey tunnel before arriving at the hotel, over an hour late. They had 15 mins to get ready compared to the 70 mins (plus beers) the other Dick-athletes had. Their early arrival can be attributed to either (a) sensibly purchasing a Sat Nav or (b) printing off directions.

2 dick-athlete's down, only 8 attending the Post event soiree. Was this shaping up to be the disaster that The Uber Dick-athlon Sh!thouse had been predicting.................the simple answer was a resolute 'NO' as it turned out to be one of the best events of the year thus far and one of the best post event drinking sessions for all involved......this was despite sweating like Mel Gibson in Harlem for most of the day due to wearing suits on the hottest day of the year.

So, after finding the most precarious place to view the races from in the whole of Chester Racecourse it was time for the races to begin.....

(1) Moaning Middle Man £69
Although some would say his winnings on the day were pure luck, Moaning Middle Man claimed that the form had been studied as his horses raced home time and time again. Was overjoyed to be wearing the Winner's jacket although there were some signs of Barnish style arrogance as the drinks / sun / power affected him. His Dick-athlon name may have to be changed if his success continues.

(2) The Man With No Name £51.75
A much needed result for this flagging Dick-athlete. Some good results saw him race into 2nd place. Currently holds the 2010 record for most no-shows on post event drinking.

(3) The Dick-athlon Cheat £48
A good result for The Dick-athlon Cheat. Pushes him into joint third on the Leaderboard. Due to past indiscretions, he was the only Dick-athlete who's score sheet had to be checked three times and by independent adjudicators.

(4) Chairman Choker £40.50
Responding to tips made by hardened gamblers paid off the Chairman, who is currently enjoying his best ever Dick-athlon season despite waking up on a bench in Chester city centre. His good fortune in the Dick-athlon could all change if his knee gives way half way up Coniston Old Man.

(5) Happer Slapper Mohammed Jones £39.50
A good day for Mohammed who was just pipped at the post by The Chairman. Won the award of most drunk man of the day. If he had blamed sunstroke it would have been totally understood.

(6) The Dick-athlon Uber Sh!thouse £27.75
The Sh!thouse defied his critics by actually turning up. A half decent result on the day made sure he stays at the top of the table. 5 events at the top of the leaderboard. A personal best for this negative dick-athlete.

(7) Spam Resistance £27
Although still riding high on the leaderboard (joint third with no joker played) this was seen as an average event for the current Champion. Good results in the upcoming events could prove very worrying for other Dick-athletes.

(8) The Lord of The Ring £16.50
A terrible first five events for this Dick-athlete. Needed some luck at the horses but got little. Needs to pull something special out of the bag on Coniston Old Man or he'll be moving in to the place just vacated by The Moaning Middle Man.

(9) Big Soup No Wins (4 horses finished second)
Another poor event for this year's fake dick-athlete. A frustrating day as four of the seven races resulted in a 'so close but yet so far scenario'.

(10) The Dick-athlete's Dick-athlete No Wins (4 horses finished second)
A poor event for The Dick-athlete's Dick-athlete. After a strong start in this year's Dick-athlon this is not what he needed. However with two events where he is tipped the favourite, this could just be a blip. The only Dick-athlete to keep his tie done up to the neck during the blistering heat of the day.

Alpine Man/Farmer & The Peacemaker
Minus four for both these Dick-athletes. Money issues and a flooded floor respectively.