Pool
Tense Tiebreaks, A Predictable Result and a Stretched Loser Suit
It had been seemed a long wait since the last event. Over 4 weeks. Although, according to The Dick-athlon Sh!thouse 4 weeks is not a long time as the events are too close together. Since this comment was made, dick-athletes have attempted to explain to him how weeks and months work but to no avail.
4 weeks.
4 long weeks between events.
4 lengthy weeks that the loser suit was sat behind The Dick-athlon Cheat's desk....and he still forgot it.
Despite arranging to pick it up from the Dick-athlon Pool training ground (The Sun Hotel) The Dick-athlon Cheat still failed to appear......The Chairman was eagerly awaiting the chance to award the first minus 2 of the year but the Dick-athlon Sh!thouse was to scupper this by ensuring the loser suit was given to The Dick-athlon Cheat before he entered the building.
After some misunderstanding with the horrid little creature at the front desk regarding the event not been booked and lack of memberships it was time for event 2 to begin.......
1st Place - The Dick-athlon Sh!thouse - 9 games out of 11
Another predictable win for the man who presumably skipped school to spend his youth learning 'angles' in pool halls. The 2 games he did lose (to Mohammed and The Lord of the Ring) he did so graciously by scrawling "WANKER$" over his Results sheet.
2nd Place - Graham Taylor - 8 games out of 11 (Tie Break Winner)
3rd Place Mohammed Jones - 8 games out of 11 (Tie Break Runner Up)
4th Place Dick-athlete's Dick-athlete - 8 games out of 11 (Tie Break Loser)
Tense times for these dick-athletes. Each had to compete in the tense tie break situation at the end of the night. The cretinous staff at Riley's made the tie break situation that little bit more tense by switching the lights off above the tables and demanding more cash......despite the fact that the dick-athletes had spent a fricking fortune that night. It was Graham Taylor who won the day despite some disastrous performances in training. Mohammed Jones and The Dick-athletes Dick-athlete both performed admirably with Mohammed pulling off the rare feat of beating The Dick-athlon Sh!thouse.
5th Place - The Dick-athlon Cheat - 7 games out of 11
7 games fairly won by The Dick-athlon Cheat........the CCTV footage is unavailable but it is a fair chance that upon closer inspection his elbow may have knocked a few balls in.
6th Place - The Moaning Middle Man - 6 games out of 11
Once considered a Contender at this event, The Moaning Middle Man is now a middle of the road nobody at pool. He did not rate his own performance on the night as his summary simply stated "Bag of Shighte". One can only blame the beer for his bizarre spelling of the slang word "sh!te"
7th Place - The Lord of The Ring - 5 games out of 11
An average night for The Lord of the Ring elevated only by the rare feat of beating The Dick-athlon Sh!thouse.
8th Place - Chairman Grass - 4 games out of 11 (Tie Break Winner)
9th Place - La Resistance - 4 games out of 11 (Tie Break Runner Up)
10th Place - The Man with no Name - 4 games out of 11 (Tie Break Loser)
Once again proving that practising is a waste of time and money, The Chairman put in a well below average performance. Luckily he wasn't the only man on the night to perform well below average as La Resistance and The Man With No Name were equally poor. The Man With No Name summarised his performance as:
"'You're all f@rt and no sh1t, Kev' said Dave Barnish and indeed he was right as The Man With No Name took several games to the last ball but either potted the white with the black (on two separate occasions) or simply lacked the cojones to take chances when he had them. A late comeback saw him succeed against several fellow strugglers and the tailor-made fell upon the shoulders of another!"
Luckily for Chairman Grass he out performed them in the tie-break situation that followed. Although, La Resistance had the last laugh by sharing out Chairman Grass' Champagne at the post event drinks session.
11th Place - Alpine Man/Farmer - 2 games out of 11
The start of the Dick-athlon 2010 has not been good for The Alpine Man/Farmer. The only happiness to be taken from this event was (a) staying out of the loser suit and (b) beating his brother, Big Soup. His summary was a fair assessment of his performance "My Game this evening has been genuinely appalling. Any pot more than six inches (oo-er) hasn't gone anywhere near!!" Also, on his results sheet there was a scrawl of "cheat" by The Dick-athlon Cheat's name. If the Dick-athlon had a steward there would be a steward's enquiry.
12th Place - Big Soup - 1 game out of 11
Big Soup's self assessment: "Big Soup is sh!te at Pool. Fact!". Nuff said. Big Soup's most impressive feat of the night was actually fitting into the Dick-athlon loser suit. It is now fully stretched for all future losers.
